Q & A — Ask an Expert

Who are feeling lost. Who have lost hope. Who have given up. Who don't see a point anymore...

May Allah preserve you. The Devil dances in delight when he sees you giving up. And he wants to convince you there is nothing left for you. That you have no faith left, and that there is no point in having faith anyway. That you have left your Islam behind. But he is lying to you. Because that's what he does. Deep in the crevices of your shattered heart is faith. You know it, but he doesn't want you to see it.

Admitting and submitting that there is no god but Allah and that Muhammad is the messenger of Allah is still being within the fold of Islam, even if you never do a single other good deed. And on top of that, every single little act of kindness and good that you do--and you do many--is very much Islam.

You may feel broken, and it's a brutal place to be. And you may feel hopeless, as if you have lost everything. And I'm sorry you're going through the devastation you may be experiencing. But all is not lost. That brokenness you're feeling may be what takes you to the pits of utter slavehood. Those tears you shed may be what raise you higher than all the prayers you've prayed.

Do you know who Rasul Allah, salla Llahu alayhi wa alihi wa sahbihi wa sallam, pleads for in particular before Allah? The people who have screwed up royally. That's right. Those people that have made major mistakes in their life. So if you are one of them, don't lose hope.

You know that feeling of being lost? That feeling of hopelessness? That feeling of having lost everything? That feeling may be the thing that causes you to say "ya rabb" like you've never said it before.

You might not find any strength left in you to fight anymore. Then stop fighting. Embrace your weakness. Embrace your brokenness. If you are struggling, it's okay to struggle. If you are failing, it's okay to fail. If you are broken, it's okay to be broken. If you are desperate, it's okay to be desperate. Don't think that God's embrace has left you. Don't think that His Messenger, salla Llahu alayhi wa alihi wa sahbihi wa sallam, has given up on you. You might not see it today, but you might see it tomorrow. For now, just know that it's okay. It's okay to be broken.

May Allah bless you and shine for you that ray of light in the darkness.

P.S. You matter more than you realize. You matter enough to have this post dedicated to you. And many other words. And many secret prayers. And much more than that, you matter to the Beloved of God, salla Llahu alayhi wa alihi wa sahbihi wa sallam. And you matter to God. I pray that it will become clear as the midday sun to you sooner, rather than later. Allah bless you.

I recently posted the statement, "If you do not break your self for His sake, then let Him break your self for your own sake."

A dear brother, commented, "And then let him (salla Llahu alayhi wa sallam) fix you..."

This was the advice that came in response to the comment (slightly edited):

Salla Llahu alayhi wa alihi wa sahbihi wa sallam . I am so glad you said that, my beloved brother . Because it is indicative of a clarification required. The whole point, Sidi Alamin, is that we don't need fixing *from* being broken. It is in being broken that we *are* fixed. Being broken is essential to our nature. We are imperfect slaves.

We always will be.

It is those people that try to escape that reality who will always lose. We turn to Allah and His Messenger salla Llahu alayhi wa alihi wa sahbihi wa sallam) in our brokenness, in our imperfection, in our slavehood. Please reflect on this and internalize it. Because you will come across many who never have this realization, and after years (even decades) of mujahadah, struggle, they find themselves stuck and they don't know why. It is because in all their effort and all their acts of worship, their heart remained hard. They didn't melt in their brokenness. They didn't embrace it. They strived to escape it. But what they sought always eluded them, because their approach had deluded them.

Read the Burdah and reflect on its words. They are not just poetic statements being expressed; they are prophetic states being expressed. He shows up broken, remains broken, and expects to stand on Judgment Day still broken.

You are absolutely right that our relationship with him, salla Llahu alayhi wa alihi wa sahbihi wa sallam, is what will save us. But if we try to escape our brokenness, we may find him, salla Llahu alayhi wa alihi wa sahbihi wa sallam, slipping away from us, as we start to imagine how great our deeds have become and lose that neediness and desperation that we used to have when we were broken. Stay broken, habibi. Stay broken.

Please read these words and reflect on them until they mix with your flesh and blood. If there is nothing else you take from me, take what I have given you in these few words. And Allah and His Messenger know better, salla Llahu alayhi wa alihi wa sahbihi wa sallam.

Everyone hears all the time that sinning soils the heart. Darkens it.

But I find so few people being taught how simple it is to wash it. To illumine it.

The matter of sin is only part of the picture. The rest of the picture - no less important by any means - is repentance. Tawbah changes everything.

Persisting in a sin without a care is very different from sinning out of weakness and then repenting and repeatedly trying to do better.

I see so many Muslims lose hope because they don't have the full picture. They only have emphasis on avoiding sin - but everyone sins. What is missing from the picture is the emphasis on repentance, on persisting in trying.

The message of Allah and His messenger, salla Llahu alayhi wa alihi wa sahbihi wa sallam, is not simply: don't slip. It is: when you inevitably slip, simply get back up. And when you inevitably slip again, simply get back up again. And again and again and again. Until your last breath.

Repentance obliterates every sin. It washes the heart and wipes the slate clean.

Your destructive behaviors don't need to define you. Rather, you belong to the best of creation, salla Llahu alayhi wa alihi wa sahbihi wa sallam. Let that be the primary thing that defines you. Don't put all your hope in your behaviors, because then who of us that is honest will have cause for hope? He, salla Llahu alayhi wa alihi wa sahbihi wa sallam, is our salvation and our hope. There are so many evidences to this and so much that could be said.

Also, if you are repeating the same negative behaviours, then that should mean that you are repeating repentance. Rather than letting yourself be weighed down by each sin, let yourself be raised by each repentance. Don't let your sins define you, but rather your repentance from them.

Again, we are slaves. We mess up. Over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over. For years. Maybe decades. Maybe a lifetime. But the secret is simply to keep getting back up and back up and back up and back up and back up and back up and back up and back up.

And every time you do, Allah loves it. And Allah loves *you*.

Be disappointed and remorseful over your sinful behaviors, but not despondent. Rather, be hopeful. Be hopeful that the Prophet, salla Llahu alayhi wa alihi wa sahbihi wa sallam, continues to plead your case. Be hopeful that he will continue to do so after this life. He has told us this. Be hopeful that you are continually repenting. Be hopeful that Allah is so generous. Be hopeful that each sin only counts against you once. Be hopeful that every good deed counts for you at least ten times. Be hopeful that every good deed may count tens of times for you. Be hopeful that a single good deed may count hundreds of times over for you. Be hopeful that Allah's reward is boundless. Be hopeful that every repentance wipes out every sin.

Be hopeful that each repentance is, itself, a good deed--that may count for you hundreds of times over. Be hopeful that sinning reminds you that you are a slave. Be hopeful that your mistakes cause you to call out, "Ya rabb!" A calling that Allah loves. Be hopeful that your mistakes bring tears to your eyes. Tears that Allah loves.

Be hopeful, because you have every reason to be hopeful. Be hopeful that you were never expected to be free of bad behaviors, but that you were only expected to keep trying. To keep approximating. To keep repenting. To keep getting back up.

To keep saying, "Ya rabb!" "I'm sorry, ya rabb!" "I am your slave, ya rabb!" "I am witness that I am imperfect, ya rabb!" "I am witness that you are my perfect creator, ya rabb!" "I am witness that my master Muhammad, salla Llahu alayhi wa alihi wa sahbihi wa sallam, is your perfect creation, ya rabb!" "Ya rabb!" "Here I am, ya rabb!" "I have none but you, ya rabb!" "I'm not reliant on myself, ya rabb! Or my behaviors, ya rabb! But only on your mercy, ya rabb!" "And what greater mercy have you put in your creation, ya rabb, than... Muhammad! Salla Llahu alayhi wa alihi wa sahbihi wa sallam." "So here I am, ya rabb, with the name of Muhammad on my tongue, salla Llahu alayhi wa alihi wa sahbihi wa sallam, so forgive me, ya rabb, by the blessing of his name, by the blessing of him, by your love for him, by his honor, by his rank and station and prestige with you, ya rabb!" "Ya rabb, I've put all my hope in you, in your mercy, ya rabb, and who could possibly be ruined or disappointed that puts his hope in you, ya rabb!" "So I end this calling out to you, ya rabb, with such a conviction, a conviction that you have forgiven me, ya rabb. Not because I am worthy of being forgiven, but because you are worthy of forgiving. Wa al-hamdu liLlahi rabbi l-`alamin."

Be hopeful because you have la ilaha illa Allah. Be hopeful because you have Muhammadun rasulu Llah.

Salla Llahu alayhi wa alihi wa sahbihi wa sallam.

And Allah and his messenger are more knowing, salla Llahu alayhi wa alihi wa sahbihi wa sallam.

الصلاة والسلام عليك يا حبيبي يا رسول الله

الصلاة والسلام عليك يا سيدي يا رسول الله

الصلاة والسلام عليك يا رسول الله أستغفر الله

الصلاة والسلام عليك يا سيدي يا رسول الله استغفر لي

الصلاة والسلام عليك يا رسول الله انظرنا

الصلاة والسلام عليك يا رسول الله أنت اعتمادنا

الصلاة والسلام عليك أيها النبي ورحمة الله وبركاته

NOTE: This is what came to me in the moment. It does not preclude exploring and undertaking means to eliminate such behaviours. This post is about the shift in mindset and heart-set around such behaviours in our relationship with Allah, especially when our sins can become paralyzingly heavy (which is one of the tricks of the Devil). Taking means to eliminate sinful behaviors goes hand-in-hand with this shift and is quite natural from this place, this state of mind and heart.

Answered by Shaykh Mostafa Azzam

SOME FIQH OF ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS

Wa alaykumu l-salamu wa rahmatu Llahi wa barakatuh.

Bismi Llah.

May Allah grant relief to all those struggling with addiction, especially addiction to something like drinking, a single instance of which is an Islamic felony, kabirah. Allah protect us and correct us! That is a huge test, and on top of seeking a means like AA, a lot of dua and repentance is critical. As is environment. As is hopefulness in Allah.

It's critical not to get attached to the shame that one might be prone to sinking into when dealing with such a test. Better people than you and I have struggled with that test. All of us have our particular tests, struggles, and failures. That's fundamental to the human condition. The key is to just keep trying. If we fall a million times, we get up a million times. And every time we get up, we know that Allah is receiving us with "open arms." People forget this, and Satan tricks them into spiralling into hopelessness.

And it is very, very important to prioritize. If one is struggling with an addiction to a major sin, his primary focus should be recovery from that, not certain lesser matters such as being around uncovered women. That doesn't make it halal to be around uncovered women; it's just that human beings have limited bandwidth, so we need to be strategic with our bandwidth and prioritize. You tackle the biggest issue first, and then you move onto the next issue after. Notice the immense wisdom in the revelation coming in stages. We ought to consider that wisdom in our own personal journey of Islamic development.

With that said, there are a few rulings that are relevant in this scenario, which I will address for the sake of clarifying the rulings. But again, prioritization is critical.

1. Inter-gender privacy is forbidden. The Shafii school defines it as one woman with any number of outsider men. (Other schools may define it as one woman with one man.) What you've described would not be a forbidden scenario in this regard.

2. It is forbidden to remain in a place where the forbidden is taking place. Our imams mention a couple of clarifications regarding this. They mention that it is not forbidden to pass through somewhere where the forbidden is taking place, such as walking through a street where haram is happening. And it is not forbidden to remain in such a place when there is a need. It doesn't have to be a huge need or a dire necessity, darurah,, but just a legitimate need, hajah. The scenario you've asked about would seem to qualify as a legitimate need.

Note that this ruling of the forbiddance of remaining where the haram is taking place can be quite difficult to pay attention to when you live in a society filled with haram, such as a non-Muslim society, where uncovered women are everywhere. And in fact, the haram is rampant in Muslim societies, as well, though nothing compared to non-Muslim societies. When surrounded by haram, appropriate advice might include: do your best; know that you will fail plenty; don't kill yourself over it; make continuous tawbah; work hard to avoid becoming desensitized to the haram that you're continuously exposed to; always be working toward a more halal environment.

3. It is forbidden to needlessly speak about the forbidden. Obviously, Alcoholics Anonymous is going to talk plenty about the sin of drinking. Because they are non-Muslims, their concern is not so much the sin of drinking, but rather its worldly destructiveness. They're naturally not going to be restrained in their talking. They'll probably also throw in mention of other haram, such as the occasional story of their illicit sex when they were drunk, for example. These are conversations that should have boundaries, but they won't in a non-Muslim environment. This is no different from other environments with non-Muslims and corrupt Muslims - even just the average workplace. That said, I began this point stating that it is forbidden to *needlessly* speak about the forbidden. Ending a drinking addiction is obviously a tremendous need. So if AA is a good means to recovery, then mentioning the haram would not be forbidden - within the boundaries of the need.

Those are the main considerations. Obviously, in any environment, it remains forbidden to look at or touch an outsider of the opposite sex, but that is far from unique to the scenario you've asked about.

Finally, remember how much such an addiction may cause a person to skip prayer. Skipping a fard prayer is a bigger issue than getting drunk. This must not be overlooked, and this issue should be at the forefront of a person's consciousness.

Regarding the effectiveness of AA, I won't go into that here, as the question was more about the fiqh, which I hope I've adequately addressed. In my limited exposure, I've found people to have had mixed success with such 12-step programs. But if a person is trying to break free from an addiction to the haram, he needs to try *something*. You can't really tell him not to try something because there are some issues with it, unless there is a better alternative available. If there is a better alternative available, in terms of permissibility and effectiveness, then great.

If anyone is struggling with such an addiction, or something similar, keep getting up. In sha'a Llah, you will meet your lord not when you are down for the millionth time, but when you got up that millionth time. Bismi Llah.

And Allah and His messenger are more knowing, salla Llahu alayhi wa alihi wa sahbihi wa sallam.

When certain rulings seem too difficult for most of us to implement, many of us unfortunately mock the commands of Allah and those who teach them. It can be an effective coping strategy, but let's get real about it now...

Other possible strategies:

(A) Change the rulings.

(B) Keep the rulings as they are while acknowledging the challenge.

I'm not seeing other options.

It's a genuine dilemma.

There is room for (A) in the Divine Law to a very limited extent within very specific parameters, but (B) seems to be the inevitable honest approach in most contexts.

The beauty of (B) is how humbling it can be. It helps us connect with our own humanity and ultimately our slavehood, and it leaves us immense room for continued repentance.

اللهم أنت ربي لا إله إلا أنت خلقتني وأنا عبدك وأنا على عهدك ووعدك ما استطعت أعوذ بك من شر ما صنعت أبوء لك بنعمتك علي وأبوء بذنبي فاغفر لي فإنه لا يغفر الذنوب إلا أنت

O Allah, You are my Lord. There is no god but You. You have created me, and I am Your slave. And I am on Your covenant and Your promise as much as I have been able. I seek refuge in You from the evil of what I have done. I confess to You Your favor upon me, and I confess my sin. So forgive me, for there is no one to forgive​ sins but You.

Amin!

Dealing with people that have experienced trauma can be daunting (maybe even itself traumatizing).

People that have experienced trauma may be triggered by what does not dramatically affect others. When such people are triggered, they experience an overwhelming flood of emotion. Emotion that they are not equipped to handle. So they go into crisis mode--whether fight (explosion), flight (meltdown), or freeze (shutdown).

Unless you are very grounded and very well equipped, being around people experiencing such overwhelm can, itself, completely overwhelm you. The unpredictability of their overwhelm makes it that much more overwhelming. And the fact is that no matter how much you try to manage their triggers, your ability is very limited, because while you can control their outer world to a certain extent, there is only so much you can do about their inner world.

But what you can do about their inner world is counteract the effects of the trauma. Trauma makes people feel broken. And feeling broken makes people feel unworthy of love. So love them. Love them fiercely. With full recognition of their overwhelm. Who of us doesn't suffer from some sort of overwhelm? Who of us isn't broken in our own way? Love heals. More than you know.

People who have experienced trauma can be overwhelming--because of their overwhelming emotion, because of their struggle to cope with their overwhelm. And the more you open your heart to them, the more vulnerable you are to a flood of your own difficult emotion. Loving them takes strength and courage.

It is like asking your heart to walk through a minefield knowing full well that it may step on a mine and be shattered to bits, and then asking it to put itself back together and keep going. But more than that, asking it to go and embrace the people who laid down the mine that shattered it. Because they didn't mean to do it. Because their hearts are, themselves, in the minefield with yours. In fact, their minefield is even bigger than yours.

But demanding that of your heart is exactly what you need to do. Love them. Love them fearlessly. Love them knowing full well the danger that lies ahead. Love them. Whether it is your child, your spouse, your friend, or a total stranger. Love them.

Love them by seeing their beauty. People who have experienced trauma are no less beautiful than those who haven't. In fact, what they have gone through may very much have magnified their beauty. But their beauty is often hiding. Because their hearts are scared. Terrified of their own emotion. Terrified of being broken even further.

It takes courage and patience and tremendous trustworthiness to excavate the beauty of such a broken heart and to love such a heart fully. And it is well worth it.

That's too big a question for me to address fully here. But I have found that healing and growth happen on four levels.

(1) Sensation of the body. The secret to which is: flow. Hurt, trauma, etc get trapped in the body and lock up the body in any of multiple ways. So getting that flow back is critical. Ways include deep breathing, movement, stretching, energy healing, digestion improvement, etc.

(2) Emotion of the heart. The secret to which is: release. Releasing locked emotions is key to healing. There are many emotion-releasing techniques. Mindfulness is key to perhaps most of them. Questioning also plays a big role, though questioning also comes into the next level.

(3) Cognition of the mind. The secret to which is: meaning. The meaning we ascribe to things affects how we react to them. There are multiple things we can do to change the meaning we ascribe, and there are tools to practice such meaning shifts. But a couple of things that offer quick shifts are thankfulness and big-picture thinking.

(4) Connection of the soul. The secret to which is: testimony. The Testimony, the Shahadah, contains everything for the soul's connection. And you could say that at the heart of its first half is neediness of Allah and at the heart of its second half is love of His Messenger, salla Llahu alayhi wa alihi wa sahbihi wa sallam.

This is just a big-picture summary, which I wrote quickly, and you would want some sort of guide in the various levels. Healing and growth are a journey.

I hope that helps.

And Allah and His Messenger know better, salla Llahu alayhi wa alihi wa sahbihi wa sallam.

(1) Begin studying developmental trauma, or complex PTSD, and how to heal. A starting point might be the Body Keeps the Score and the Complex PTSD Workbook. It is not unreasonable to say that developmental trauma is an epidemic, and it is often the underlying issue in emotional, psychological, and relationship issues. Addressing it and undertaking a healing journey should not be underestimated in your aspiration to become a higher-quality woman and a higher-quality human being--with higher-quality relationships.

(2) Start shedding trapped toxic emotions. The Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), or tapping, seems to work wonders for many people. Other shedding techniques include Hale Dwoskin's Sedona Method and Byron Katie's "the Work." My personal favorite is the one I developed: the FACT (the Face-Ask-Choose Technique), but it's not available publicly. Mindfulness practice is also key. A dear brother, Zuhair Girach, has also developed his own system for releasing toxic emotions: Aafiyah Healing. And he has impacted many lives with it. (Many people go to him for physical pains only to discover that the cause of their pain was, in fact, trapped emotions.)

(3) Begin a journey of self development. For me personally, Jack Canfield's material changed my life. But there are many other transformational teachers in the field. Brene Brown seems to have a ton to offer women. I will add Marci Shimoff's book Happy for No Reason here, as it is one of the most transformative resources I've ever come across.

(4) Take care of your body. Food, movement, fresh air, posture, rest. And proper breathing: your breath, nafas, is so deeply connected to your sense of self, nafs. I think you'd be shocked how your state can change simply by fixing your breathing. And if you change your state enough, your whole life ends up changing.

(5) Improve your company. If you want to be high-quality, then spend time with high-quality people. Sacrifice toxic, negative people. Cling to people who are so busy working on themselves that they don't have time to be busy with other people's business--with rumors, gossip, backbiting, complaining, etc. Become growth-oriented and keep the company of other growth-oriented women. Few things will hold you down like poor company.

(6) Clear out negative unseen effects. Get treated for sorcery, jinn, and evil eye. Don't dismiss these things; they can have a huge impact on the psyche--and what chance do you stand when your psyche is working against you? Much of personal growth (see point #3) is devoted to mastering your subconscious, mastering your psyche, because of what a huge role it plays in the quality of your life, but not enough people recognize the role that these negative unseen effects play in your subconscious.

(7) And more than all that, keep falling in love with the best of all creation, salla Llahu alayhi wa alihi wa sahbihi wa sallam. In that love is such healing and elevation, if people only realized. I mean a deep love that melts you, and not just the surface love that comes with basic faith. Don't just love him; be *in love* with him. Salla Llahu alayhi wa alihi wa sahbihi wa sallam. And I personally have not found a more effective way to falling in love with him, salla Llahu alayhi wa alihi wa sahbihi wa sallam, than absorbing the state of someone who is in love with him, salla Llahu alayhi wa alihi wa sahbihi wa sallam--which, of course, ties into point #5.

These are just some points that came to me, which might be overlooked by many people. This is not a comprehensive list. Being consistent with the prescribed prayers, maintaining daily remembrances, having a living relationship with the Qur'an, fulfilling obligations and minimizing contraventions, continuous repentance, and avoiding causing harm--these are all a given. In sha'a Llah.

May Allah elevate you, grant you a great man worthy of you, and make you worthy of a great man. And may you ultimately be a high-quality woman whether or not there is a man in the picture.

And Allah and His Messenger know better, salla Llahu alayhi wa alihi wa sahbihi wa sallam.

1. With Allah.

By strengthening your tawhid - theologically by studying aqidah and spiritually by internalizing the Hikam of Ibn `Ata'i Llah.

2. With the Prophet ﷺ.

By melting in his love - by absorbing the state of someone melted in his love and by internalizing the meanings of the Burdah.

3. With yourself.

By shedding psyche attachments - by healing trauma and by practicing releasing techniques.

Overwhelming guilt is actually an ego attachment. Don't let the ego trick you.

The nature of ego is attachment. It loves to latch onto other than Allah. But it is subtle and sneaky.

With some, it tricks them into latching onto how great they are: "I am great. I'm a 10. I am this. I am that." It is all attachment to "me, myself, and I."

With others (and this is probably even sneakier), it tricks them into latching onto how terrible they are: "I am terrible. I'm a 0. I am this. I am that." But it is still all attachment to "me, myself, and I."

Notice in the latter case how attached people become to their worthlessness. Even if you present them countless counterarguments, they simply can't let it go. Attachment upon attachment.

The secret--and bite onto this with your molars--is to let go of *you* altogether. Don't just stop fixating on how great you are, but also stop fixating on how terrible you are. Stop fixating on yourself, your self, altogether.

Rather, fixate on Allah. And what's the shortcut to fixating on Allah? Fixating on His Messenger, salla Llahu alayhi wa alihi wa sahbihi wa sallam. (There are many reasons for this, which are perhaps worth detailing elsewhere.)

Don't say, "I am this, I am that." Whether this and that are positive or negative. Say, "Rasul Allah is that, Rasul Allah is that." (Which, obviously, can only be positive--without limit.) Salla Llahu alayhi wa alihi wa sahbihi wa sallam.

And then watch what happens. The overwhelm will start to melt away. The imbalance will fade. The guilt of how terrible *I* am will dissolve and find its right balance. The pride of how great *I* am will dissolve and find its right balance.

And at that point you can accept your merits without attachment to them. And you can accept your failings without attachment to them. Because it's not about you. It's all about your Beloved. Your attachment is too busy with your Beloved to be so busy with your self.

What I have seen is that all the secrets of what is mentioned here can be found in the Burdah. Sing it and reflect on its meanings. Spend enough time with it and you will absorb the state of its composer, and you will find that balance in it.

It is my firm conviction that the Burdah holds the cure for such ego attachment and for ailment after ailment. Another name for it is, in fact, the Bur'ah, the Healing.

Spend time with the Burdah until its state becomes your state and its meanings become simply who you are. And you will, in sha'a Llah, find everything you're looking for and more.

149. And since committing my thoughts to singing praises of him,

I’ve found him to be the most committed to saving me.

مولاي صل وسلم دائما أبدا

على حبيبك خير الخلق كلهم

(TheBurdah.com)

الصلاة والسلام عليك يا حبيبي يا رسول الله

الصلاة والسلام عليك يا حبيبي يا رسول الله

الصلاة والسلام عليك يا حبيبي يا رسول الله

You may feel, "I am so [fill in the blank.]" It really doesn't matter. How great you are is not your business. How terrible you are is not your business. The Messenger of Allah: *he* is your business.

الصلاة والسلام عليك يا حبيبي يا رسول الله

الصلاة والسلام عليك يا حبيبي يا رسول الله

الصلاة والسلام عليك يا حبيبي يا رسول الله

Say Muhammad and let his name work its wonder.

46. And were his marvels to match his worth in greatness, his name,

When called, would give life to bones decayed to nihility.

مولاي صل وسلم دائما أبدا

على حبيبك خير الخلق كلهم

(TheBurdah.com)

But it *does* give life to hearts decayed to nihility.

This is tried and true. And may we never lie to you.

And Allah and His Messenger know better, salla Llahu alayhi wa alihi wa sahbihi wa sallam.

الحمد لله والصلاة والسلام على رسول الله

Good question (even if rhetorical).

For a favourable outcome in this life, we would rely on observation to draw an empirical conclusion of the most suited to lead. So of course it matters who leads: having the better leader lead would produce a better worldly outcome.

For a favourable outcome in the next life, we would rely on revelation to draw a legal conclusion of the most suited to lead. So of course it matters who leads: having the divinely-appointed leader lead would produce a better next-worldly outcome.

The divinely-appointed leader in marriage is the man. He may or may not actually be a "better" (i.e. more effective) leader for a favourable worldly outcome. In fact, unfortunately, many men in our times force their wives to lead, to "wear the pants," because their leadership is trash. Husbands have been ordered by God to lead their wives, so for a favourable outcome in the next world, they need to ensure that they have some leadership ability.

Allah has implanted a certain amount of that leadership ability within masculine nature. Thus, a man often has to actively go against his own nature, to "take off his pants" and hand them to his wife to give up that natural leadership with a woman. If a man is true to his masculine nature, there is a good chance that a favourable outcome will flow quite naturally - in this world and the next.

And Allah and his messenger are more knowing, salla Llahu alayhi wa alihi wa sahbihi wa sallam.

As some of you know, I like to treat E-G-O as an acronym for "Emotions Gone Overboard." So "ego taming" is about getting emotions and feelings under control, keeping them from running amok and leading the show.

The technique I developed to facilitate (based primarily on the years of personal growth training) that taming is called the FACT, the Face-Ask-Choose Technique. The more you FACT, the more natural it becomes to subdue out-of-control emotions and shed the attachments that tug on them.

As one of my shaykhs once said: The believer is meant to have both intellect and emotion, dismissing neither. But the intellect is the imam of emotion.

For the benefit, I thought I'd share an example of how I used the FACT recently to shed the tugging that I often struggle with given my ADD. (You can FACT on all kinds of feelings, even simply feelings of distraction.)

As I stood to pray, the feeling of distraction showed up, as it tends to do. I Faced it (step 1 of the FACT) and got present with it. I took a deep breath or two and imagined the distraction as a surprise visitor at the door of my consciousness. I calmly gave the visitor my attention for the moment. No judgment, no fight, no running, just a noticing and a welcoming observation.

Then I got curious with the distraction and started Asking (step 2 of the FACT) about it. There are all kinds of questions that you could ask regarding the feeling. It's not as much about the particular questions as it is about being in a state of curiosity. Note that whom you ask is not even critical to the process. You could ask questions to the feeling, to yourself, to God.

I often have a series of particular questions I incline to, but this time, the inquiry was more open and spontaneous. I just asked distraction about itself. Then it surfaced that there was some anxiety around it. Then it surfaced that there was a need for control, and that need for control was due a fear of loss. Loss of the thoughts that might slip away if they're not held onto.

Then I got more curious and asked distraction, What would happen if we simply allowed those thoughts to get away? And that's when the shift happened. A release. My consciousness, my "Self" (intellect, soul, or whatever term you might use), had the realization that letting go of trying to hold onto to those thoughts left nothing but Allah. Holding onto Allah. Being with Allah.

That's when Choosing (step 3 of the FACT) happened quite instantly and organically. My consciousness made the choice to let distraction be on its way, and it shed the need to hold onto whatever it was trying to hold onto. Then it became natural in that moment to be present with Allah.

Though the FACT took years of personal growth study to develop, it is a simple technique. It can take a few minutes or a few moments. But it's not a one-time event. It's a habit. The natural state in life is deterioritation, disorder. So we have to keep at it, to continously refresh. Do you brush your teeth once in your life, and your breath is minty fresh forever after? No, you keep at it. I FACT daily. This was just one example that I thought I'd share of what that looks like.

A final reminder: "Before you act on it, FACT on it."

The ego hates change.

Change is threatening. And if your sense of self is lacking, change is downright terrifying...the ego will go into a state of panic, like a cornered animal.

The ego will make all kinds of excuses to avoid change. One of its favourite tricks is playing the victim card: that you (in your oppressive tyranny) have imposed on it impossible hardship.

If someone is not regular in brushing his teeth (and his breath stinks to high heaven), and you encourage him to brush his teeth a couple of times a day, the ego will resist. Any new habit is an imposition on the ego. It will kick and scream, debate and fight. It will suck you in with its arguments of how hard and oppressive teeth-brushing is.

And yet people whose egos are not resistant to teeth-brushing (perhaps because brushing their teeth is all they've ever known), find no difficulty or oppression in it.

Of course, the ego can get even trickier when none of its friends, for example, brush their teeth, either. And even though they're all in a horrible state of communal halitosis, the ego will make a very strong case that halitosis is "normal," and anyone who even suggests regular teeth-brushing is a freak, is cruel, or whatever brilliant label the ego has to offer.

Develop an expert awareness in the tricks of the ego, and do not engage it when it plays its tricks. Simply keep moving forward and keep doing the right thing. Get your ego used to change and to growth. And get your ego used to being ignored...until its kicking and screaming start to quiet.

And ask yourself: where is my ego fighting my success? Where is it screaming, "It's too hard," or "It's not fair?" In my relationships? In my worship? In my addictions? In my giving and my service?

May we all have the success to rise above the ego and its lowly attachments to the highest attachment possible.

My understanding is that:

(1) it depends on context;

(2) if she's not your wife, then there's a good chance that the interaction is too casual and that some lines have been crossed;

(3) she might mean you're playful and lighthearted (which is still manly if balanced with strength, jalal, masculine development, etc);

(4) if it's not balanced out with jalali qualities of strength, etc., then she probably finds you goofy and meak when you should be serious and strong.

Again, context (point #1) is key to determining the meaning (whether point #3 applies or point #4). And if the context is not marriage, then be careful: it's easy for sparks to fly once there is banter (point #2).

I'm not sure what to say without more context. I'm just guessing.

But basically the secret to being a magnetic man (particularly according to Jemal Jelil's "Wife Magnet" system) lies in balancing jalal and jamal, strength and softness, distance and closeness, steel and silk.

Women give us countless clues when that balance is off. (They also give us countless clues when that balance is on .)

If a woman says, "You're a little kid," she is obviously zooming in on your soft, jamali side. Now if your strong, jalali side balances it out, then she is saying it positively. Context will help determine this--the context of the relationship, the conversation, the dynamic, etc; but also the context of her body language, voice tone, other words, etc.

If, for example, she is calling a guy "a little kid" while giving what pickup artists call IOIs ("indicators of interest"), then it is clear that the strong, jalali qualities have balanced out the soft, jamali qualities, and she is saying it positively.

IOIs include such things as giggling, touching the man, "preening" (such as fidgeting with her clothes, hair, etc), moving in close, and so on. Again, if a woman is not your wife, then this level of interest is off the table, and a man needs to pull back if it's already gotten to that point. As the scholars mention, it is obligatory to avoid contexts in which there is fear of temptation, "khawf al-fitnah." If a man is magnetic, he needs to create boundaries--of formality, reduced interaction, etc--because it is very easy for him to turn women on.

Now if a woman calls a man "a little kid" in the *absence* of such IOIs, then it is an indicator that he has *not* balanced out the soft, jamali qualities with strong, jalali ones, and she's saying it negatively. She's basically insulting him, but gently. She's basically calling him immature, soft, lacking in manliness, etc.

Women are not attracted to a boy. But they are attracted to a manly man who has a boyish charm. I don't know which one was taking place in this case. Again, either way, a man has to be very careful about sparking attraction in a woman that is not his wife.

I hope that helps.

And Allah and His Messenger know better, salla Llahu alayhi wa alihi wa sahbihi wa sallam.

If you think you are beyond redemption, know that the greatest crime is rejecting Allah and his messenger (salla Llahu alayhi wa alihi wa sahbihi wa sallam), and redemption from that only takes a moment. Your crime is not worse than that. In fact, your crime is infinitesimally small in relation to disbelief. So don't let the Devil trick you into imagining that there is no hope for you. Why would you listen to a compulsive liar?

The Truthful, Trustworthy One (salla Llahu alayhi wa alihi wa sahbihi wa sallam) has told you that as long as you are alive, you are never beyond redemption. Whatever your crime, just come back. Say, "I'm sorry, ya Allah." And try again. And if you fail a thousand times, as long as you have breath in you, you are never beyond redemption. It only takes a decision to come back. It only takes a moment to turn back to your lord.

Do it now.